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noun \j-mann\
1: Queercore Whore
2: a · Ladyboy Artist
b · Example; "Im not an artist/Im a fucking work of art."-MM
Current Month
Oct. 13th, 2011 @ 11:57 pm Fuuuuhck...
Current Mood: sadsad
I write things down to get them out. Theyre poisonous inside me and i cant keep doing it...holding it in and pretending it doenst hurt, it doesnt exist...

Rent has always been there for me...since that very first night Kaylee and I discovered it by accident...the words...they mean so much to me...theyve gotten me through some of the hardest things i have ever had to go through...it was there when i first fought for sobriety in a last ditch effort to get myself away from her and the sexual abuse i endured and save my life...it was there when my sickness took over and made me its constant menace and victim...it even played in the back of my mind every time i was on the street, scared cold and alone. Rent has gotten me through every heartbreak and letdown, every mistake...

But now...even Rent cant comfort me much...when every moment reminds me of everything ive lost...

It seems i have a job now, and may be making a decent amount of money soon. As soon as its finalized my dad starts ranting and raving about being careful with my money and not spending it...and i seriously wanted to punch him in the face. He doesnt fucking know me anymore it seems. I am SO goddamn careful with money now...I hate spending it, point blank. I know that if it wasnt for me we wouldnt have been able to fucking eat or function...a lot about me had to be changed once everything went to shit...and not once, not ONCE did i ever get so much as a thank youu. I was berated for being so anal about it. And even as careful as i tried to be, it never seemed to be enough...there was never any money for anything important...couldnt even go out looking for a job because i couldnt come up witht the pathetic $2 for a bus pass! Thats how bad it was...but i didnt care, i was happy...

I come back here and once again think i have a chance for it all...but shes the same as always...an im just as bad i suppose.

Im so sick of this all. I hate this town, i hate these people, i hate the way nothing ever fucking changes...i just want to be done with this place. Nobody knows me here anymore...they think they do but they dont. All the girls who remember who i was dont know who i am...And everyone else is just so goddamn eager to play those games, lie and double back...no ones as honest or blunt like i am and it makes me want to vomit.

Not even my dad knows me...

Its times like these when i throw on old comforts like Rent and try so hard to block out the world and its bullshit...but even Rent is failing me now...it just keeps reminding me of all the things i had once...and will probably never have again. I miss it...
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juwana mann