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noun \j-mann\
1: Queercore Whore
2: a · Ladyboy Artist
b · Example; "Im not an artist/Im a fucking work of art."-MM
Current Month
Jul. 31st, 2012 @ 03:12 am Details, Details: Sex Survey
Current Mood: predatorypredatory
What's your name? Birth Certificate: Joanna Corbridge, Identity: Juwana Mann, Nickname: MariJuwana/Zebra Hamster/Buddah Jesus/Juju

Age? World Time: 20, At Heart: 8

Are you a virgin? No.

Do you remember your first time? Yes. First time i was sexually active was backstage at a JSE concert with my then girlfriend. First time i was with a guy was in a tent with a friend.

If you could change your first, would you? First girl, no, not for the world. First guy, no, i wouldnt change that either. They both mean a lot to me.

Favorite Position? Play fighting knows no position! XD

Foreplay or Roleplay? Both. Every good lesbo knows how to play up the foreplay and bring out the roles ;)

Rough or sensual? Loud, hard, fast. Sensuality is saved for those who deserve it, everyone else is satisfied with getting the fix.

Have you ever had a one night stand? Several. At least, as far as i actually remember XD

Do you prefer to make love or f*ck? Depends. Once youuve “made love” its hard to see sex the same way ever again, and i personally dont like to waste doing so on anyone who isnt worth it. Once theyve earned their place in my heart im more liable to being that vulnerable with them, although theres never a guarantee.

Do you like kissing during sex? Who doesnt? XP

Would you consider yourself loud or quiet? Both, in extremes. Im either megaphoned or near silent.

Do you moan? Again, depends on the situation.

Do you like to talk dirty? Only with certain types ;)

Do you like to have your hair pulled? No. Tug, maybe. But playing with my hair will get me a lot farther than yanking on it.

Do you like to be spanked? Only if i get to reciprocate >:D

How many sexual partners have you had in the last month? 1 1/2

Could you live without sex? Yes and no. I could live without sex, but i couldnt live a life completely devoid of sexuality.

Do you like oral sex? I like giving when it comes to women, not so much when it comes to men, and i dont tolerate oral from anyone who doesnt know what theyre doing, period dot.

How many times have you had sex in one day? 14. Some people simply can NOT control their own junk, let alone someone elses or, god forbid, liquored up junk XD

Have you ever had a 3-some? Yes, but i prefer the term “tag team” :P

Have you ever been caught in the act? The very first time we were caught...by everyone else at the concert XDDD

What's your biggest turn on? Tie. Aggression and, not gonna lie, burning.

Have you ever had sex with someone else in the room? Yeahh...i still feel bad about that >.<

Are you still gonna have sex when you're 70? Most likely wont make it to 70, so id say not.

Have you ever used toys during sex? Yes indeedy weedy. I love using my whip, fuzzy cuffs, leash, and my “light saber” ^-^ Also, never underestimate the power in simple little things like bandannas, belts, and hand lotion!

Have you ever tied someone up during sex? Quite a few times

Have you ever been tied up during sex? Never XD

Can you remember who gave you the best sex of your life? Yes.

Can you remember who gave you the worst? Ditto.

Ever been with someone you regret? A few. Some girls are just waaay too insane to put up with.

(Girls) Are you a scratcher? Unfortunately, yes.

(Girls) Do you like to be on top? Depends. If im with a girl, usually yes, but with a guy i prefer taking the submissive.

When is the best time of day to have sex? Early morning and late night

When was the last time you had sex? Not sure, a week or so ago

Where was the last place you had sex? Bed, surprisingly.

Do you remember who it was with? Noooo, of course not *Rolls eyes*

Was it with a person you love? Yes.

How long did it last? Idk, my bedside timer was malfunctioning

Did they enjoy it? To some degree.

Did you enjoy it? Ditto.

Do you regret having sex with this person? I did for a little bit, before i remembered all the reasons i dont.

Longest you've gone without sex? 2 years

Do you like sex? In general? Im human, so yeah. Otherwise it depends entirely on the person/situation.

What is it that you absolutely need sexually? Intensity. Nothing is more boring and blaise than casual sex. If it doesnt make youu feel alive, it isnt worth it. The way to sex should be paved with intellectual stimulation as well. No fuck is complete without a mindfuck to go with it ;)

What is something you have always wanted to try? Ive yet to seduce a nurse or a nun XD Also, real fangs is a big one on the bucket list :P

What is something you have never done in bed before? Sleep? Nawwh jkjk... Id have to say anal, because theres no way in hell, EVER, period dot.

What do you absolutely need to see to turn you on? Im a visually aesthetic person, i like to see anything new or different, and all the better if its edgy. Other than that im not actually an image kinda person, looks dont matter very much to me. The only thing i “need” are eyes...if the eyes are beautiful, thats all it takes 

How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? If youu mean wander below the collar/waist, i can go for hooours before actually touching ;) Drawing things out is what im good at, but if need be my specialty is quick fast and hard.

If someone was in the next room while you had sex would it make you nervous or excited? Seems to happen all the time to me hahaa...depends on who im with and whos in the next room, but usually its a mixture of both.

Would it bother you if your bf/gf got naked at a beach or river?
Been there, done that, lost the tshirt for it and wasnt bothered XD

Have you ever faked an orgasm?
Actually...not really. Ive never been completely off during sex, and i know the difference between being satiated and an orgasm. I can have one without the other, so i dont see a need to “fake” anything.

What Part of your body are you self-conscious about?
Chest. Until i have the surgery, it will always feel weird and foreign to me, and if i dont have a binder on it will make it 10X worse and sometimes even impossible for me to even get in the right mindset. IDRGAF about the rest of me...its just those stupid things that i cant deal with.

Do you have any sexual regrets?
I try to make a point to regret nothing in life, but if i did it would be chances i should have takenthat would have gotten me to more fulfilling places.

If a lover cheated on you would you take them
Been there, done that, wont ever do it again.

How Important is sex in your life?
Its not “important”. Its desired and wanted, but not “needed”, and therefore not high on my list of priorities when it comes to whats important in life.

How Important is love in your life?
Monumental. Its one of the driving forces of living, and its definitely a need for me.

What is the biggest fight you have ever had with a bf/gf?
Tie. Fight that led to my first gf getting her ass handed to her and subsequently made her switch schools and backstab meduring the inquiry...And fight with a bf that led to the utter destruction of our entire world.

Do you believe in make-up sex?
Sometimes... ;)

Have you ever told a complete stranger something you kept from a lover?
Nooo... o_O

Have you ever rebounded and known you were doing so?
Yupp. And she was really there for me on so many levels.

Who did you lose your virginity to?
Girl – Kaylee, Guy - Damian

When and Where did you lose your virginity?
Girl – 2004 in the back of a JSE concert, Guy – 2012 backyard trailer

Would you go down on your bf/gf at a restaurant?
Depends on the restaurant... ;)

Where would you have sex in public?
Ive already got quite a list of public nookie haunts... XD

Would you ever have sex while at work?
Tooo laaaate... bahahaaa :P

Would you have sex in the rain?
...Again...this has already happened for me XP Not to say it wouldnt be awesome another time, but cmon!

What movie makes you horny?
All “our” movies like Night Of The Demons, The Incredibly True Adventure Of Two Girls In Love, Underworld, Ginger Snaps, Black Swan, Across The Universe, and The Rocky Horror Picture Show

What is the highest number of orgasms you have had in one sex romp?

How many do you wish you could have?
Doesnt matter XD

What do you like Trimed,Shaved or natural?
All of the above? XDDD Usually, trimmed

Would you have sex in a dressing room?
...well goddammitt...why is it ive already done all of these?

What sounds do you like to hear during sex?
Biggest turn on is when the musics playing so loud youu can only barely hear the other person scream ;)

How many times a week do you like to have sex?
Depends on my mood and my psyche, so anywhere between a couple times a week to a couple times a day

Do you want to try the 69 position?
*Snores* Oh sorry, whatchu say? Old news.

What are the top 3 erogenous zones on your body?
Capricorn, so skin is the big one. My hair would be next as im always playing with it, and last but not least my hands, i can be totally turned on just by running my hands over someones arms/back/etc.

Lights on or off?
Im nocturnal. Dark. Candlelight is best if needed for those who cant see in the dark as well as i can >:D Plus it heightens all other senses, which is why dark rooms with lots of cushy props and loud music are the bomb ^-^

Lacy Panties/Silk Boxers or Leather?
Leather, black, yesnaoplz.

Fast & Hard or Slow & Gentle?
Both, when appropriate

Standing up or Laying down
Actually, starting with one up one down before going all down is more my style XD

Soft or Firm touch?
I prefer firm and aggressive on all areas but the main show.

Under Covers or On top?
Both are fun, unless youu are in a really tight sleeping bag XP

Have you ever hooked up on a swing set?
A porch swing, yeah

What is your favorite sexual setting?
The Cave variation i mentioned before, or water-theme >:D

Who was on your mind while you did this survey?
Actually...no one in particular unrelated to specific questions.
About this Entry
juwana mann
Mar. 16th, 2012 @ 05:17 am Proof Of Horoscope Accuracy And Linking To Each Other
Current Mood: bitchybitchy
Capricorn Mar 16 2012
Leave your worries on your doorstep today, Capricorn. Or, better yet, get out your biggest broom and sweep them right out the front door and out of your life. There is one worry especially that you need to immediately discard. You know the one! It's the one that keeps you awake at night and torments you during the daytime hours when you should be focusing on more important and more joyful things. Everything is just fine. Allow yourself to believe that, and you will see that an old worry has no place in your life.

Virgo Mar 16 2012
You may have to forgive and forget if you want to continue on in a challenging relationship, Virgo. There is someone in your life who is very special to you, but something happened recently that has caused you to reassess your friendship. It may be confusing and it may not be easy to figure out even if you ask all the right questions, but sometimes you just have to have faith in a person's higher qualities. This individual may have made a mistake that he or she can't justify or even explain, but there is probably much more to it that would cause you to forgive if you knew the whole story. Give the benefit of the doubt.

Libra Mar 16 2012
Someone you know, albeit rather superficially, seems to be a material girl (or boy). This person seems preoccupied with superficial things, and he or she places a lot of stock in possessions. But before you go judging this individual, you need to consider that there may be a reason beneath the veneer that would make you feel more compassionate toward your acquaintance. For example, by lusting after luxuries, this individua may be covering up feelings of insecurity. Take some time to get to know this person, who may be much deeper than appearances would have you believe

When horoscopes match up like that, i go into high gear >.
About this Entry
juwana mann
Feb. 8th, 2012 @ 05:04 pm Evans Blue<3
Current Mood: pensivepensive
I'm guarded, I'm fragile, but if anyone could ever save me now, you can
And you can...
Are you strong enough? am I enough?
Are you strong enough to say you love me?

You better crawl on your knees
The next time you say that you love me
Can't you see that this is life and life is killing me
You better see how evil you can be
When you see my evil smile
It's the one that you'll remember when I am not so kind
Can't you see that this is death and death is saving me
I say burn all your bridges while you still have control of the flame
I know it's hard but you...
Tell me, over and over and over and over and over again
It never was time for us, it never was time to let me in
Show me, over and over and over and over and over again
It never was time for us, it never was time to let me in

We love our tragedies.
We're both broken in our own little ways
We're broken, but we fit together just right
You know I saw the black inside your eyes
I saw they were eclipsed by mine and they looked just right.
I love your analogies.
We're both crazy in our own little ways
We talk about the future and our past lives.
I know I loved you then.
I know I'd love you now.
I know I'll love you then.
I know I love you now.
But you can't have everything you want when you want it.
I will be everything you want, when you want it.
Wait for me. Trust for me.
Fall for me. Even when you don't know you're falling for me.
Will you fall for it? If it should, it'll come around again.
But don't wait for me. And don't trust in me. Don't fall me.
Even when you know you're falling for me.
When our hearts meet, will we make it then.
Will we even notice that they are eclipsed?

She wears a butterfly on her wrist
But she might as well cut it's head off
She's holding out for weapons to kill the ghost inside
Or at least kill the thought she has of killing her mind
she says "I love you" with her hands, she says "I hate you" with her eyes
Theres a pretty girl somewhere, with a pretty name
But I could never let you know how much this means
I swear we'll end this war, cause we both know
It wasn't worth fighting for

There's a lit cigarette:in the hand of my new angel
she's blowing smoke like halos, and now everybody wants her
but I shouldn't even bother
because you made me so complete dear, but you left me so alone here
hang a noose for my new sinner somewhere everyone can see it
won't you beg me and then tell me how to love you
like anybody else would
I know you're risking failure (risking failure)
go run for cover (for how long)
you better start to love her so much you're moving on and on
and you left me so in love here, you left with so much hate dear
was I creating only chaos-this world lives just fine without us:won't you?
I know you're risking failure, (risking failure) but I'd hope you set your levels (for how long)
so you can run for cover
you better start to love her now are we this pathetic? you made me finally see it
(will it change your life when I change my mind, will it change your mind when I change my life)
go run for cover
you better fucking love her so much you're moving on
I'm so pathetic, you made me finally see it
got what you want? I'm gone
for how long? for how long? for how long will it change your life?

would I spend forever here and not be satisfied?
and I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear
Through this world I've stumbled
so many times betrayed
trying to find an honest word to find
the truth enslaved
oh you speak to me in riddles
and you speak to me in rhymes
my body aches to breathe your breath
your words keep me alive
nothing stands between us here
and I won't be denied

They won't want you for who you are
So you should step outside your skin
Something tells me, that we were meant to be
But how can that be?
You run on evil, I run on fumes and stale air,
when she came out , she brought her anger, she left her sympathy
Behind the walls she built for me
So we start spinning
I want you for who you are
So you can stay inside your skin
Ohhhh something tells me love isn't enough
But how can that be?
You're not so evil, I'm not so good
Crazy or mean, so we start spinning
She's so dramatic shes says I'm leaving, is that a promise or a threat?
I am the voice you'll never get
I am the one
I am the promise and the threat.

Big cities' action of my big city girl
Think she builds her own heaven
Cause she finds it's a lonesome world

Hold your hands into the sky
Pray for mercy, instead of time
You are the massacre, the masochist, the tease
And you're captivating , standing in front of me
Is the reason, I'm still wondering why everyone we loved has broke away
So be my massacre, be my masochist, be my tease
Cause you captivate me when you stand in front of me

can you feel my trigger hand, moving further down your back
when you hide, hide inside that body
but just remember that when I touch you
the more you shake, the more you give away
cold, but I'm still here, blind, 'cause I'm so blind, say never
we're far from comfortable this time
cold, now we're so cold, mine, and you're not mine, say never
we're far from obvious this time
so fall into my eyes and fall into my lies
but don't you forget
the more you turn away, the more I want you to stay
you're so endearing, you're so beautiful,
well I don't look like they do, and I don't love like they do
but I don't hate like they do
am I ever on your mind?
COLD, you broke me from the very first night
I'd love you 'til the day that I die
I'm far too comfortable this time
COLD, I loved you from the very first night
you broke me 'til the day that I die
I'm far too obvious this time

You lived a time of lies until you told me everything
I hope we make amends, but you don't
Life taught you how to fly and then you flew away from me
You left me haunted, star the ending image of the one
I saw you pray for change and then you walked all over me
You wanted what you could not have and now you are alone
Make the voices tell me who you are, and who I am to be
Are you alone wherever you are tonight?
I'm alone when you're right here
But I'm still in you somehow
I never left at all
Now I'm still in you too low
So my voice is all you know
Cos they're still in you too low
All the voices you don't know
And they're still in you too low
All the choices that you chose
Leave you nothing left to hold
When you're nothing it's a good time to remind you of one thing
The pursuit begins when this portrayal of life, ends
About this Entry
juwana mann
Nov. 15th, 2011 @ 10:08 pm Ranting I Guess...Wrote The Other Night, But True.
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
I think ppl are usually...surprised, when they find out how sensitive i really am. Most see me as a super-hard crazy bitch who couldnt give a fuck... But thats not all of who i am. Thats just a part of me that youu see. Its not fake...its just not as big a part of my personality as youu might think.

Truly, im actually pretty sensitive, and more of a girl than id like to admit. I cry during cheesy movies, i love the acoustic versions of songs over the hard originals, i overthink things a lot, i prefer cuddlebuddys over sex, i actually care a lot about other peoples thoughts, and dont even get me started on makeup XD But most of that isnt exactly widely known or even guessed >_>

I guess i hide things like that a lot... i seem an open book about so much, but th second someone ruins something, ANYTHING, for me, i throw it away and try to forget about it. Its been a long and hard decade... Ive lost much and thrown away even more. Thats prolly why i dont let ppl in...they cant ruin what they dont know. Which is also why i laugh at ppl who try to fuck with me. How can youu screw up what youu dont even get, what youu dont understand? Im as close to untouchable as i could be...that is until little fucktards get close enough to me to mess with whatever they do find out >:/

Still, i always come out on top...theres always a part of me i keep for only myself, that no one ever sees or knows about...so in th end i hold onto just enough to get through anything.

I find it funny that there are only 3 things that i can be honest and open with...My dad, my journal/writings/rants, and myself.

Speaking of which, had a talk with my dad thats on my mind. Its funny just how well he knows me. He has a bunch of cops and EMTs tell him im a sad strange lil kid whos on all sorts of drugs and is falling down some horrible hole, one even says im a violent evil girl with no heart, and he laughs in their face and says "Youu dont know my daughter." They go on about how i told them (after my first story was abolished under a "little investigation) i was on ecstasy and possibly coke, how i was a hopeless mindless addict who had no wish to live and only thought of myself. Again he laughs and says "Ill bet she did. She told youu exactly what youu wanted to hear because youu didnt believe her when she told youu the truth. YOUU DONT KNOW MY DAUGHTER." Imagine their surprised faces when the drug test came back negative for ANY drugs and i was proven right the next day by a Doctors diagnosis that matched witnesses collaborating stories. None of th ppl here have any clue who i am. Even ppl who HAVE gotten close. I do that an awful lot. When youu dont believe me when im honest, ill just tell youu what youu want to hear and walk away. Hell, im doing it right now with ppl i care a lot about...i cant make everyone happy, but i can give them what they keep expecting. I figure out why they dont believe me, and hand it to them. My dads kind of smacking me over th head for it atm >_> He knows whats really going on...he knows i care. I dont like pushing ppl away, hurting them, or ruining things...but i do it when they want to see it coming. When a girl i was into in high school gets drunk and starts calling me, but expects me to not give her th love she so desperately wants bc she knows shes so desperate and not in love with me...i hand it to her. When i like a friend who cant handle it in too many ways...i play th crazy psycho bitch whos boring and predictable so they can move on without getting hurt. When one of my best friends plays her cards every time and expects me to always be there even though she will not ever be serious with me again because i subconsciously terrify her...i play dumb and let her run away every time knowing she will just run back, i let her believe in me without needing me, and i wreck it every time so her fear can blame me instead of blaming herself even though im not th bad guy...
I care about each one of them...but i give them what they want when what they want isnt th truth. Ive been honest with them all...but i was met with nothing. My dad knows it. He doesnt like that ive always been th "protector", always looking out for others...Used to be id get in trouble for fighting bullies when i was little, but over time i started using my brain for ppl in ways i shouldntve had to...Hes always known th face behind th drama...Watched me get worn down over th years when id give my all to ppl who wanted th lie instead...Broken by betrayal over and over...Til youu have th me standing before youu today. Id give everything to those i care about, and at least half of th ppl i care about do not now nor ever have deserved it in his eyes. Hes seen how ppl use me, how i let it happen, and hes always there when its all said and done an im on my own once more. It was my dad that got me through Kaylee, through Nick...through th ppl i let see inside me, let get close and use me...believing they cared like me, they could handle th truth and would stay...
And now...hes smacking me again for not saying fuck everyone else and juss care about me. Ive thought about it a lot...and i know its gonna be hard and itll prolly scare...even hurt... a bunch of ppl...but i think hes right, and im gonna try to make a change. Ive always been bluntly in youur face honest with ppl (and it already scares 90% of ppl away), but its time that i stop giving th unbelievers i still manage to give a shit about th dumbshit they want. I shouldnt take such measures to make sure no one gets hurt like i do so much.

Ppl generally cant handle th truth...just like they generally cant handle me. But for th first time in a long time...i do not care. Those who cant handle me dont deserve me.
And those who push away are gonna get what they want.

This will deffo be interesting...i can think of half a dozen friends who are about to run for th hills XD But oh well. Not like ill be around much longer anyway.
About this Entry
juwana mann
Nov. 10th, 2011 @ 06:46 am BifNaked=My World ATM <3
Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
Bif Naked Lyrics that are srsly getting me through each day right now...
The last one is most important...planning on getting the matching tat soon<3

"My Whole Life"

I don't wanna wait forever/But you know i would/You'd better hope i don't say "now or never"/'Cause you know i could/My whole life i'm searchin' for someone like you/To take me gently by the hand and show me what to do.
My whole life, it's not over/It's my whole life...
If you're gonna say you love me/Then,i love you,too/I don't wanna hear you tell me shut up again/Yeah,i heard you.
My whole life is flashing right before my eyes/No more fabricated hellos and no more sad goodbyes

"Stolen Sidewalk"

I'm a junkie, I'm a whore/That's what you always called me/I am raw, an open sore/I ache to remind me...
I'm a weakling, you are strong/Pick me up from where I lay/Here on a stolen sidewalk/Baby,don't make me beg...
I'm religious once again/We all are before we die... /And I am so sick to death/Wasted tears I cry/And who said love would always mend/And fill the emptiness again/Should light a single candle... /Make a prayer in my name.
The closest thing I found to heaven/Is sitting here,talking to you...

"You'll Never Know"

Swallow your pride and just let me in/I don't wanna hurt you you know I'm your friend/If this is the outcome of all we've been through/It seems like a waste,I can't take all this waiting for you
I won't wait,I can't wait here anymore/So hard it hurts, but I'll never learn/And you'll never know how much it burns/Won't take it back,I meant every word/But you only hear what you wanna hear/You never believe me cos I'm always wrong/You say that you're leaving,the fire is gone/If I am the monster and this is our song/Sing with me lover and tell me that you're never wrong
I won't wait,I cant wait here anymore/So hard it hurts, but I'll never learn/And you'll never know how much it burns/Won't take it back,I meant every word
But you only hear what you wanna hear (I'll never learn)

Oh,why should I stay and pretend?/You make me laugh again/My darling,truth is - we are not even friends!/Oh,love comes and it goes/Where yer heart stops - no one knows.../How did I wind up in the is mess,here - with you

"Moment Of Weakness"

Just a moment of weakness/I should examine my head!/Just a moment of weakness/I never meant a word I said

"The World Is Over"

She said; "The world is over"/I can't believe its true/How can it all be over/When I am not over you?
I know the world is ending/I'm telling you it's true/There ain't no use pretending/I'll ever get over you

Busted!/And I can't believe I trusted,implicitly/And I lusted for reality/I got rusted anxiety
Come on you can tell me/Stop yanking my chain/I know you are hiding/Everything/Do you know what I mean?/Do you know what I know?/Yeah you better believe it/Do you see what I see?/Do you understand me?/Baby,are you feeling me?
Tell me, how do you sleep?/In your bed of true deceit/Are hungry, hungry for me?/Or is it just conditioning?

You sink to my level,just like a stone/On your way back to the ground/You wonder what happened to make me different/I'm impatient when you are around
You're alone/But you get what you deserve/Now,we are alone/But we get what we deserve
If I am alive for the first time/I must have died inside/So I could let go of things/That weren't mine/I'm crashing and burning/You're crashing and burning/We're crashing and burning
If only you listened to words I say/And hear them for what they are/I'm hopeful and foolish, but you never change/And that's something I know in my heart
You're a "star."/But nothing about you shines/I am a star/And we get what we deserve
You and me will never learn!/Cause we get what we deserve!/Baby,we were meant to burn

"Ladybug Waltz"

I crawl along,hang on the hem of your dress/I'm holding on, Boy don't forget I'm a mess/I'm into you/I pull myself up to your chinny-chin chin/When I reach your mouth, you're gonna let me in/I'm into you
Baby ladybug/Baby ladybug/I'm lost in your hair/Can you feel me there?/Baby ladybug/Baby ladybug/Well,I fly to heaven/To come back and land in your mouth
I hide,in you,my little bug games/Between your seams I call your name/I'm into you
Don't lose sight of me on the back of your neck.
About this Entry
juwana mann
Oct. 28th, 2011 @ 02:52 am Been On My Mind For A Long Time Now
Lots on my mind. Ive put this off for awhile bc im still so unsure on so much right now...but i know i need to write it out.

I guess ill start with th biggest confusion of late. My phone FB app syncs all my numbers/info with Facebook, so it "finds friends" across th whole database despite names or privacy settings and makes an Add list. I went through it a few days ago and added a handful of old friends...among them was Claudias name...I clicked th add button beside it but honestly i didnt expect anything... So imagine my surprise when a day later i see her status in my feed. My heart literally stopped for a moment and i felt like i was in shock. Its been almost 2 years since th last time we were good friends...and almost a whole year since i fucked it all up. This was back when i was near my sickest...but its no excuse for th things i did. After it was all said and done i was cut out of her life entirely, which was th right thing to do. I dont blame her, and i knew she would never trust me again. Over th months ive reached out a few times, usually after being struck by a memory that reminded me of th good times, and id halfheartedly hope i could fix things...But with every stone wall i finally juss accepted th facts.
After Claudia, or "Hero" as i called her, i had a few more unstable relationships/friendships that werent very important, but nothing lasting. I could tell i was changing a lot and becoming something else, and seriously, it was kinda scary. I was still battling an illness that had been threatening to consume my entire life since childhood, and all my problems were still there, like my trust and abandonment issues. I just knew i couldnt do it anymore...couldnt exist in my sickness and keep tearing everything apart.
Around this time is when Sara (aka Wifey) became th center of my love life. Wed been friends for years and i had loved her for a long time. She was one of th only ppl id ever been able to be 100% honest with, and its exactly what i needed. She had some of th same problems as i and she understood me more than most. Over time i was convinced that Sara was th girl i would spend th rest of my life with. Unfortunately, my friendships with other ppl ruined things between us. In Texas being homeless affected my disease immensely, and i had some growing up to do. When Nick came into th picture seeing me be so close with someone i had just met made th green monster come out, and i dont blame her. After years of long distance i was finally just a few minutes away, but spending all my time with some gay guy id known for a week and was soon to be living with. I wasnt able to keep in contact with hardly anyone, my own family included, and she didnt see th daily minute to minute struggles i was going through. She only saw th happy face i put on for everyone back home i cared about, which consisted of making tons of new friends, partying, and living th dream. And yes, those things did happen, i got to go to several hella good parties and i met lots of people. But i more often than not was doing all i could to keep our heads above water with simple things like eating every day. I missed out on more than i got. Th one time i got to see her on her birthday i had to bring an uninvited guest or risk not only having problems getting back to th heights, but losing a place to sleep that night, not to mention i didnt feel like i could juss leave him when he was so intoxicated. I didnt think it would be so hard to understand, and besides i wanted them to be friends since they were both important in my life. But things began going sour after that night. They didnt like each other much. He couldnt figure why i was so in love with her and she didnt like him being in th middle of things. She decided to take th first break in our relationship bc of this and things i said. I was upset that she couldnt give me a break when everything else was already so hard. She was upset that it seemed like i was choosing him and partying over her. It was bc of that night that i started living with Nick. I had no place to go but a shelter or Saras ex-bfs, which absolutely scared me more than th street. Nick took me in. He was rly there for me on so many levels. Even though he didnt like Sara, th moment i told him that she was th one i wanted to share my life with someday he respected it. And when she turned and blamed him for everything and left bc she couldnt handle it it was Nick who held me when i cried and stopped me from self destructive behavior.
By now i could tell i was starting to become a better person. Instead of being a mindless addict to drugs, girls, and my disease i was starting to accept things about myself and deal with them. Th symptoms of my sickness were still as strong as ever, but i was learning to be happy and strong despite it all which is something id never had in Fillmore. Who i truly am didnt change one bit. I was and still am just as loud, random, and crazy as ever. I still loved to argue and win, still outgoing, arty, stubborn, and a complete smart ass. I had simply learned new skills and ways of living/expressing myself. I was able to reduce my dependance on my addictions and form much more meaningful friendships and relations with others. I was no longer driven by my old ways. Life was still hard, even harder without my vices, but i was ready and willing to keep going.
Upon my return to Utah after my falling out with Nick and th scabies epidemic i found that my first love was back in town. Months ago, right before i left for TX, she sat in my room and told me "Youure like...my female soulmate. Ive always loved youu" and tried to kiss me. I pushed her away and told her th truth; i couldnt lose her again. She was a big part of why i felt like i needed to run away from here. And here she was again, still married with a boyfriend on th side and needing me in her life. Id be lying if i said i didnt desperately want her back. I did. I have known, and loved, her for almost 16 years. We have always been in each others worlds, literally. We have th same disorder, yet its always been as if we complete each other, 2 halves of th same mind. Neither of us has ever met another person even remotely on our level to this very day...no one else who sees like us, who thinks like us. Honestly were both way too smart for our own good. Together we become deadly. Nobody has ever been able to win against us, no matter th odds or situation. She is a master of th body, while i am a master of th mind. Within seconds i can get into damn near anyones head, whereas she can get into anyones heart. When we work together we become unstoppable...and we know it. Weve watched each others battles with mental illness and been rocks to cling to when all else fails since th very beginning, and we remain th only ones who understand each other. We cant ever truly leave each other, trust me, weve tried. But through it all we have both come to realize that we cant be a couple. We would destroy everyone around us or ourselves. But we both know that no matter what ill always be there for her, and she for me. Thats something that will never change. Weve been to hell and back and lived to tell th tale, through broken friendships and a shattered relationship, in spite of it all. I love her deeply, and i know she loves me. Its just how it is. We know it will never be. Sadly, other ppl have a hard time believing it.
This July i overdosed during th 4th, mostly bc i hadnt been doing any drugs for a loooong time and th sudden party binge over several days that was at my old party level was too much. Chemicals built up in my system so when i took what would have been a safe dose for me (in fact it was my usual dose) my body, which was already at a disadvantage, couldnt handle it. I had gone to Kaylees house that evening AFTER th main party of th night. She was sober th whole week due to work, and all we were going to do was watch th fireworks, make some dinner, an maybe watch some Sweeney Todd. I ended up having a seizure in her arms and spending th next day in th hospital. Once Sara heard i had ODed she sent a long message to me on Facebook about how Kaylee had to have been th reason and that she couldnt handle being in my life if all she knew was me partying and fucking with other girls (Even though she wouldnt call me or talk with me before that despite my insistance). I took one look at th msg and nearly wanted to vomit. It was like looking at a part of me from a lifetime ago, th same person that tore everything to shreds with Claudia. My anger and disappointment got th better of me. This wasnt th first time shed done this and it wasnt likely to be th last...of that i was sure seeing as id been in her shoes myself. I ended up letting my strong need for th destructive truth to take me over, and i dissected th whole thing, which pretty much ended our friendship. Not to mention that Kaylee took initiative, grabbed my phone, and before i knew it had sent her own scathing message. Honestly im not sure i wouldve stopped her anyway, she SHOULD stand up for herself no matter who it is thats talking. And while i miss Sara a lot, i know that in th end it wouldve been worse, bc i will always see through and shed never be able to deal.
Looking back on all thats happened has really opened my eyes. Now i know what love is i dont ever want to waste it on someone not worth it, and i love myself enough to know i dont need love from anyone else. I still fuck up, still make mistakes, but this time around ive learned to be better than i ever couldve hoped for.
Seeing Claudia accept my friend request has srsly made me evaluate a lot of things in my life, and its given me hope for th future. Even though i doubt well ever be as close or even near as good of friends as we once were, it makes my heart so happy to know that i can be forgiven for some of th horrible things ive done. I dont regret any of it bc if it hadnt happened i wouldnt be who i am today. I have so much to be thankful for, and i hope Claudia knows just how big of an impact shes had on my life, what a difference its made. After she left i made a promise to myself, a promise that i would never let my sickness get th beter of me again, that i wouldnt hide away anymore, that id be honest to not only my friends and family but to myself. Its taught me a lot and ive never been prouder to say ive kept my word. I cant even describe what this means to me...

Other things im unsure on are living with Kaylee, where i stand with a few close ppl in my life atm, and what th future holds for me. But those are for another time ;)
About this Entry
juwana mann
Oct. 27th, 2011 @ 12:57 am 70 Questions ;)
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Seether
If you woke up as the opposite sex, whats the first thing you would do? - Cry my way through the shock of my dream coming true

Are you addicted to anything? - Im addicted to everything ;)Music, Rain, Rainbows, Monsters, B&Ms, Body Mods, Redheads, Acoustic, Meat, Very addictive personality hahaa...

What do you see in a guy/girl? - I see...them.

Has an animal ever attacked you? - Chyeahh lol a couple of snakes or some such matter XP

When was the last time someone made you laugh really hard? - A few days ago lol...first with Shawn and his random bursts of wtf-ness (BLUUUUUEE!!), then with Chelsey over Megamind before trying to explain our theory of time travel we had just discovered to Colin XD I couldnt breathe! So it was epic ;D

Do you find piercings/tattoos attractive? - Body Mods = Teh Sex. (<--Period DOTT!)

What's the weirdest thing you've ever licked? - The toe-jam pin trap stef gave me XP Why oh why did i pick dare.... >.<

When you wake up, what's the first thought that runs through your head? - Phone. Now.

Do you actually believe Alaska is covered in snow? - Alaska has plenty of snow der...but its sad cuz Alaska doesnt have any penguins, who adore teh snow >_>

Are you ever purposely irritating? - Constantly >:) Push my buttons and ill short circuit youur motherboard in 5 or less

Would you ever play strip poker? - Oh what a trixy question >w<

If you could make someone disappear, who would it be? - Lady GagGag

Look behind you, what do you see? - Anti drug posters and tie dye kites...

What's your fav thing about the opposite sex? - No opposite sex to moi ;D But id have to say its a bit of a tie between less dramatics and chivalry

What's the most important thing to you? - Me. If im not here and alive it kinda defeats the purpose, no? :P

What would you be doing right now if you were kicked off your computer? - Who says im on a computer? ;D Uhh, id prolly either be on the phone, working, or have a random midnight shoot moment...come to think of it that sounds like a hella good idea atm... XD

How do you spend your weekends? - With me friends or in my own world like always

Who do you want to be with right now? - Tie. I wish Kaylee was here right now so we could be going over all the little things that mean so much to me, especially in bad times like these, and Sarah because i effing miss that bam-Chicka-wow-wow ;D

Are you fun to hang with? - Dunno why youure asking me, of course i think im the awesome sauce bomb dot com XD

What country would you love to visit? - Romania, Japan, and Australia

What's on your mind right now? - My mind XD Got waaaaay too much to think about and process/handle, so im thinking maybe its just fried atm hahaa :P

When was the last time you went to a good party? - Depends on youur definition of party ;)

Fav song? - I couldnt choose just one song, thats like trying to pick out stars

Can you lick your elbow? - Its almost impossible for people to lick their wenises. Elbows just work that way and im not that level of a ninja...yet >:)

If you jumped out your bedroom window right now, how injured would you be? - Fall wouldnt be bad, but if i was to hit the wrong spot i could be impaled XD

What would you do if your bf/gf cheated on you with your best friend? - Been there, done that, screwed it up and got the T-shirt for it. Youu kick em both to the curb and let them have at it, they obviously deserve each other anyway

Do you like anyone you can't have? - I think we all do XD I swear like 70% of the population here in the USA has some sort of crush dealio on Angelina Jolie, but aint none of them ever gonna come true hahahaaa

Do you dance even without music? - If the musics in youur soul and blaring in youur head, then fooch yeahh ;D

Does anyone tease you cause of your name? - Yes >:/ So annoying...if i hear one more JoannaBanana song or joke or the whole Joe and Anna instead of Adam and Eve thing i will kill youu all.

What song is stuck in your head right now? - Tie between Driven Under-Seether and Give Me A Sign-Breaking Benjamin ^w^

What's your darkest secret? - I didnt know they come in colors now! :D

What do you think is at the end of the rainbow? - My future wifers? 8D

If a blind guy/girl started hitting on you, what would you do? - O_o obviously id keep talking to them and so on...This question is kind of blah.

What was the last concert you want to? - Last one was Bass Invasion

Do you speak your mind? - Obnoxiously so.

Can you handle the truth? - Fersure. Its the lie i cant handle XD

What would you do if someone random on the street came up to you and started hitting on you? - This has happened lmfao! I miss home hahaa...but anyways, youu talk to them...if they had the balls to agress a complete stranger randomly i think theyve earned a little respect ;)

Ever been caught naked? - Not caught hahahaaa, right Mandy? XDDD

Ever been in a fight? - Ive started em and ive finished em. No problemo.

If so did you win? - Ive never lost a fight outside an arena.

Have you ever cheated on your bf/gf? - Yes. And i dont regret it.

Done anything illegal lately? - Shiiiiit... My very existence seems to scream Trouble Over Here!! XD

Name the most stupidest thing you've ever done? - Trusting people i knew full well could not be trusted.

Would you talk to someone you don't know on the internet? - Some pretty awesome friendships have been formed that way for me :D

Ever been in trouble for something you didn't do? - ...Yes >:/ And i dont suggest it to anyone.

Ever done anything stupid towards a cop? - >_> ......uhm...i punched a sheriff in the face once...and other stuff...cops and queers dont along well as some people may believe

Have you ever been in an accident of some sort? - Define "accident" XD

If yes, may I ask what the accident was? (You don't have to answer this if you don't want to) - Ive crashed with someone on an ATV, been in a truck that rolled over, etc etc >.< Welcome to Millard hahaa...

Have you lied to your parents about where you've been or going? - I dont know a single kid who hasnt at least once...i used to but now id rather my dad knows everything going on anyway.

Ever had a prank turn out wrong? (and I don't mean the person dying or anything like that) - Ohhhh yeah XD

Would you send money to a starving family in another country? - Honestly? It depends. I dont feel any responsibility over people millions of miles away. If someone comes to me and needs help im happy to do all i can, but its not my job to do anything more or otherwise.

Are you hungry? - Nawh, sick DX

If you could speak another language, what would it be? - Japanese and German

One word to describe yourself? - Obtuse

To describe your friends? - Awesome

What's the last present you've received? - Jacket full of mmrs that i will never ever lose ^-^

What would you rather have as a name? - My chosen alt, Juwana Mann

Any siblings? - Legally an only adopted child, but i have 8 siblings in my "family" :)

Are you a sporty kind of person or do you like to lay around and do nothing but watch tv or sit at the computer? - Depends. Ive done both.

Could you outrun a bus? - No buenoooo

You and your friends are bored. What do you do? - If its my besties we go out and have adventure time!

Who hates Twilight as much as I do? - The world universally? 8DDD <3

What's your middle name? - (Unofficial) Shawnamo

What's your fav website? - Tie between the trinity, FB Twitter and Tumblr

Single or Taken? - IDGAF hahahaa :P

Good or Bad kisser? - ...Again, why ask ME these things?

What would you do if the world were coming to an end? - Grab the nearest girl and go down in flames XD

Biggest regret ever? - I dont regret anything. Regretting the past means regretting who youuve become, who youu are today. And i love me now...so i regret nothing ;)

Would you have givin into peer pressure? - Depends on what theyre pressuring me into XD If its no big then yeah sure, but if its serious fuck that, if i say no idc if yall hate me, thats youur dumbass problem.

Last but not least. What's your name? - Jmann ;)
About this Entry
juwana mann
Oct. 13th, 2011 @ 11:57 pm Fuuuuhck...
Current Mood: sadsad
I write things down to get them out. Theyre poisonous inside me and i cant keep doing it...holding it in and pretending it doenst hurt, it doesnt exist...

Rent has always been there for me...since that very first night Kaylee and I discovered it by accident...the words...they mean so much to me...theyve gotten me through some of the hardest things i have ever had to go through...it was there when i first fought for sobriety in a last ditch effort to get myself away from her and the sexual abuse i endured and save my life...it was there when my sickness took over and made me its constant menace and victim...it even played in the back of my mind every time i was on the street, scared cold and alone. Rent has gotten me through every heartbreak and letdown, every mistake...

But now...even Rent cant comfort me much...when every moment reminds me of everything ive lost...

It seems i have a job now, and may be making a decent amount of money soon. As soon as its finalized my dad starts ranting and raving about being careful with my money and not spending it...and i seriously wanted to punch him in the face. He doesnt fucking know me anymore it seems. I am SO goddamn careful with money now...I hate spending it, point blank. I know that if it wasnt for me we wouldnt have been able to fucking eat or function...a lot about me had to be changed once everything went to shit...and not once, not ONCE did i ever get so much as a thank youu. I was berated for being so anal about it. And even as careful as i tried to be, it never seemed to be enough...there was never any money for anything important...couldnt even go out looking for a job because i couldnt come up witht the pathetic $2 for a bus pass! Thats how bad it was...but i didnt care, i was happy...

I come back here and once again think i have a chance for it all...but shes the same as always...an im just as bad i suppose.

Im so sick of this all. I hate this town, i hate these people, i hate the way nothing ever fucking changes...i just want to be done with this place. Nobody knows me here anymore...they think they do but they dont. All the girls who remember who i was dont know who i am...And everyone else is just so goddamn eager to play those games, lie and double back...no ones as honest or blunt like i am and it makes me want to vomit.

Not even my dad knows me...

Its times like these when i throw on old comforts like Rent and try so hard to block out the world and its bullshit...but even Rent is failing me now...it just keeps reminding me of all the things i had once...and will probably never have again. I miss it...
About this Entry
juwana mann
Oct. 11th, 2011 @ 03:18 am Union Square-Deceit//This Song Is ALWAYS On My Mind Nowadays
Current Mood: numbnumb

I'm thinking of what I have done and what to do
I didn't mean to expose you
I think I can ignore it I can leave it I suppose
There were a million ways to play it different but I chose

To pull the trigger bring us to an end
Can't you see I'm sorry my friend
I wasn't even aiming when I shot you down
There's nothing I can change now

Maybe I am just as bad as this has made me feel
Spoiled the reputation with the secret I revealed
Making friends and fail them, yeah that's the way it goes
There were a million ways to play it different but I choose

To pull the trigger bring us to an end
Can't you see I'm sorry my friend
I wasn't even aiming when I shot you down
There's nothing I can change now

Can you keep a secret when there's no one I can turn to?
Do you trust me, I am on my knees and I deserve it

To pull the trigger bring us to an end
Can't you see I'm sorry my friend
I wasn't even aiming when I shot you down
There's nothing I can change now

So much for friendship it's over now
And I am the one to blame
It kills me when thinking of how I failed
To follow the rules of the game

I guess i remain poisonous, noxious and toxic to any environment. More than ready to leave this all behind. Fuck it.
About this Entry
juwana mann
Oct. 8th, 2011 @ 06:42 am Crash&BurningThoughts
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Crossfade














About this Entry
juwana mann