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J·mann
noun \j-mann\
1: Queercore Whore
2: a · Ladyboy Artist
b · Example; "Im not an artist/Im a fucking work of art."-MM
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Nov. 15th, 2011 @ 10:08 pm Ranting I Guess...Wrote The Other Night, But True.
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
I think ppl are usually...surprised, when they find out how sensitive i really am. Most see me as a super-hard crazy bitch who couldnt give a fuck... But thats not all of who i am. Thats just a part of me that youu see. Its not fake...its just not as big a part of my personality as youu might think.

Truly, im actually pretty sensitive, and more of a girl than id like to admit. I cry during cheesy movies, i love the acoustic versions of songs over the hard originals, i overthink things a lot, i prefer cuddlebuddys over sex, i actually care a lot about other peoples thoughts, and dont even get me started on makeup XD But most of that isnt exactly widely known or even guessed >_>

I guess i hide things like that a lot... i seem an open book about so much, but th second someone ruins something, ANYTHING, for me, i throw it away and try to forget about it. Its been a long and hard decade... Ive lost much and thrown away even more. Thats prolly why i dont let ppl in...they cant ruin what they dont know. Which is also why i laugh at ppl who try to fuck with me. How can youu screw up what youu dont even get, what youu dont understand? Im as close to untouchable as i could be...that is until little fucktards get close enough to me to mess with whatever they do find out >:/

Still, i always come out on top...theres always a part of me i keep for only myself, that no one ever sees or knows about...so in th end i hold onto just enough to get through anything.

I find it funny that there are only 3 things that i can be honest and open with...My dad, my journal/writings/rants, and myself.

Speaking of which, had a talk with my dad thats on my mind. Its funny just how well he knows me. He has a bunch of cops and EMTs tell him im a sad strange lil kid whos on all sorts of drugs and is falling down some horrible hole, one even says im a violent evil girl with no heart, and he laughs in their face and says "Youu dont know my daughter." They go on about how i told them (after my first story was abolished under a "little investigation) i was on ecstasy and possibly coke, how i was a hopeless mindless addict who had no wish to live and only thought of myself. Again he laughs and says "Ill bet she did. She told youu exactly what youu wanted to hear because youu didnt believe her when she told youu the truth. YOUU DONT KNOW MY DAUGHTER." Imagine their surprised faces when the drug test came back negative for ANY drugs and i was proven right the next day by a Doctors diagnosis that matched witnesses collaborating stories. None of th ppl here have any clue who i am. Even ppl who HAVE gotten close. I do that an awful lot. When youu dont believe me when im honest, ill just tell youu what youu want to hear and walk away. Hell, im doing it right now with ppl i care a lot about...i cant make everyone happy, but i can give them what they keep expecting. I figure out why they dont believe me, and hand it to them. My dads kind of smacking me over th head for it atm >_> He knows whats really going on...he knows i care. I dont like pushing ppl away, hurting them, or ruining things...but i do it when they want to see it coming. When a girl i was into in high school gets drunk and starts calling me, but expects me to not give her th love she so desperately wants bc she knows shes so desperate and not in love with me...i hand it to her. When i like a friend who cant handle it in too many ways...i play th crazy psycho bitch whos boring and predictable so they can move on without getting hurt. When one of my best friends plays her cards every time and expects me to always be there even though she will not ever be serious with me again because i subconsciously terrify her...i play dumb and let her run away every time knowing she will just run back, i let her believe in me without needing me, and i wreck it every time so her fear can blame me instead of blaming herself even though im not th bad guy...
I care about each one of them...but i give them what they want when what they want isnt th truth. Ive been honest with them all...but i was met with nothing. My dad knows it. He doesnt like that ive always been th "protector", always looking out for others...Used to be id get in trouble for fighting bullies when i was little, but over time i started using my brain for ppl in ways i shouldntve had to...Hes always known th face behind th drama...Watched me get worn down over th years when id give my all to ppl who wanted th lie instead...Broken by betrayal over and over...Til youu have th me standing before youu today. Id give everything to those i care about, and at least half of th ppl i care about do not now nor ever have deserved it in his eyes. Hes seen how ppl use me, how i let it happen, and hes always there when its all said and done an im on my own once more. It was my dad that got me through Kaylee, through Nick...through th ppl i let see inside me, let get close and use me...believing they cared like me, they could handle th truth and would stay...
And now...hes smacking me again for not saying fuck everyone else and juss care about me. Ive thought about it a lot...and i know its gonna be hard and itll prolly scare...even hurt... a bunch of ppl...but i think hes right, and im gonna try to make a change. Ive always been bluntly in youur face honest with ppl (and it already scares 90% of ppl away), but its time that i stop giving th unbelievers i still manage to give a shit about th dumbshit they want. I shouldnt take such measures to make sure no one gets hurt like i do so much.

Ppl generally cant handle th truth...just like they generally cant handle me. But for th first time in a long time...i do not care. Those who cant handle me dont deserve me.
And those who push away are gonna get what they want.

This will deffo be interesting...i can think of half a dozen friends who are about to run for th hills XD But oh well. Not like ill be around much longer anyway.
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juwana mann