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noun \j-mann\
1: Queercore Whore
2: a · Ladyboy Artist
b · Example; "Im not an artist/Im a fucking work of art."-MM
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Oct. 28th, 2011 @ 02:52 am Been On My Mind For A Long Time Now
Lots on my mind. Ive put this off for awhile bc im still so unsure on so much right now...but i know i need to write it out.

I guess ill start with th biggest confusion of late. My phone FB app syncs all my numbers/info with Facebook, so it "finds friends" across th whole database despite names or privacy settings and makes an Add list. I went through it a few days ago and added a handful of old friends...among them was Claudias name...I clicked th add button beside it but honestly i didnt expect anything... So imagine my surprise when a day later i see her status in my feed. My heart literally stopped for a moment and i felt like i was in shock. Its been almost 2 years since th last time we were good friends...and almost a whole year since i fucked it all up. This was back when i was near my sickest...but its no excuse for th things i did. After it was all said and done i was cut out of her life entirely, which was th right thing to do. I dont blame her, and i knew she would never trust me again. Over th months ive reached out a few times, usually after being struck by a memory that reminded me of th good times, and id halfheartedly hope i could fix things...But with every stone wall i finally juss accepted th facts.
After Claudia, or "Hero" as i called her, i had a few more unstable relationships/friendships that werent very important, but nothing lasting. I could tell i was changing a lot and becoming something else, and seriously, it was kinda scary. I was still battling an illness that had been threatening to consume my entire life since childhood, and all my problems were still there, like my trust and abandonment issues. I just knew i couldnt do it anymore...couldnt exist in my sickness and keep tearing everything apart.
Around this time is when Sara (aka Wifey) became th center of my love life. Wed been friends for years and i had loved her for a long time. She was one of th only ppl id ever been able to be 100% honest with, and its exactly what i needed. She had some of th same problems as i and she understood me more than most. Over time i was convinced that Sara was th girl i would spend th rest of my life with. Unfortunately, my friendships with other ppl ruined things between us. In Texas being homeless affected my disease immensely, and i had some growing up to do. When Nick came into th picture seeing me be so close with someone i had just met made th green monster come out, and i dont blame her. After years of long distance i was finally just a few minutes away, but spending all my time with some gay guy id known for a week and was soon to be living with. I wasnt able to keep in contact with hardly anyone, my own family included, and she didnt see th daily minute to minute struggles i was going through. She only saw th happy face i put on for everyone back home i cared about, which consisted of making tons of new friends, partying, and living th dream. And yes, those things did happen, i got to go to several hella good parties and i met lots of people. But i more often than not was doing all i could to keep our heads above water with simple things like eating every day. I missed out on more than i got. Th one time i got to see her on her birthday i had to bring an uninvited guest or risk not only having problems getting back to th heights, but losing a place to sleep that night, not to mention i didnt feel like i could juss leave him when he was so intoxicated. I didnt think it would be so hard to understand, and besides i wanted them to be friends since they were both important in my life. But things began going sour after that night. They didnt like each other much. He couldnt figure why i was so in love with her and she didnt like him being in th middle of things. She decided to take th first break in our relationship bc of this and things i said. I was upset that she couldnt give me a break when everything else was already so hard. She was upset that it seemed like i was choosing him and partying over her. It was bc of that night that i started living with Nick. I had no place to go but a shelter or Saras ex-bfs, which absolutely scared me more than th street. Nick took me in. He was rly there for me on so many levels. Even though he didnt like Sara, th moment i told him that she was th one i wanted to share my life with someday he respected it. And when she turned and blamed him for everything and left bc she couldnt handle it it was Nick who held me when i cried and stopped me from self destructive behavior.
By now i could tell i was starting to become a better person. Instead of being a mindless addict to drugs, girls, and my disease i was starting to accept things about myself and deal with them. Th symptoms of my sickness were still as strong as ever, but i was learning to be happy and strong despite it all which is something id never had in Fillmore. Who i truly am didnt change one bit. I was and still am just as loud, random, and crazy as ever. I still loved to argue and win, still outgoing, arty, stubborn, and a complete smart ass. I had simply learned new skills and ways of living/expressing myself. I was able to reduce my dependance on my addictions and form much more meaningful friendships and relations with others. I was no longer driven by my old ways. Life was still hard, even harder without my vices, but i was ready and willing to keep going.
Upon my return to Utah after my falling out with Nick and th scabies epidemic i found that my first love was back in town. Months ago, right before i left for TX, she sat in my room and told me "Youure like...my female soulmate. Ive always loved youu" and tried to kiss me. I pushed her away and told her th truth; i couldnt lose her again. She was a big part of why i felt like i needed to run away from here. And here she was again, still married with a boyfriend on th side and needing me in her life. Id be lying if i said i didnt desperately want her back. I did. I have known, and loved, her for almost 16 years. We have always been in each others worlds, literally. We have th same disorder, yet its always been as if we complete each other, 2 halves of th same mind. Neither of us has ever met another person even remotely on our level to this very day...no one else who sees like us, who thinks like us. Honestly were both way too smart for our own good. Together we become deadly. Nobody has ever been able to win against us, no matter th odds or situation. She is a master of th body, while i am a master of th mind. Within seconds i can get into damn near anyones head, whereas she can get into anyones heart. When we work together we become unstoppable...and we know it. Weve watched each others battles with mental illness and been rocks to cling to when all else fails since th very beginning, and we remain th only ones who understand each other. We cant ever truly leave each other, trust me, weve tried. But through it all we have both come to realize that we cant be a couple. We would destroy everyone around us or ourselves. But we both know that no matter what ill always be there for her, and she for me. Thats something that will never change. Weve been to hell and back and lived to tell th tale, through broken friendships and a shattered relationship, in spite of it all. I love her deeply, and i know she loves me. Its just how it is. We know it will never be. Sadly, other ppl have a hard time believing it.
This July i overdosed during th 4th, mostly bc i hadnt been doing any drugs for a loooong time and th sudden party binge over several days that was at my old party level was too much. Chemicals built up in my system so when i took what would have been a safe dose for me (in fact it was my usual dose) my body, which was already at a disadvantage, couldnt handle it. I had gone to Kaylees house that evening AFTER th main party of th night. She was sober th whole week due to work, and all we were going to do was watch th fireworks, make some dinner, an maybe watch some Sweeney Todd. I ended up having a seizure in her arms and spending th next day in th hospital. Once Sara heard i had ODed she sent a long message to me on Facebook about how Kaylee had to have been th reason and that she couldnt handle being in my life if all she knew was me partying and fucking with other girls (Even though she wouldnt call me or talk with me before that despite my insistance). I took one look at th msg and nearly wanted to vomit. It was like looking at a part of me from a lifetime ago, th same person that tore everything to shreds with Claudia. My anger and disappointment got th better of me. This wasnt th first time shed done this and it wasnt likely to be th last...of that i was sure seeing as id been in her shoes myself. I ended up letting my strong need for th destructive truth to take me over, and i dissected th whole thing, which pretty much ended our friendship. Not to mention that Kaylee took initiative, grabbed my phone, and before i knew it had sent her own scathing message. Honestly im not sure i wouldve stopped her anyway, she SHOULD stand up for herself no matter who it is thats talking. And while i miss Sara a lot, i know that in th end it wouldve been worse, bc i will always see through and shed never be able to deal.
Looking back on all thats happened has really opened my eyes. Now i know what love is i dont ever want to waste it on someone not worth it, and i love myself enough to know i dont need love from anyone else. I still fuck up, still make mistakes, but this time around ive learned to be better than i ever couldve hoped for.
Seeing Claudia accept my friend request has srsly made me evaluate a lot of things in my life, and its given me hope for th future. Even though i doubt well ever be as close or even near as good of friends as we once were, it makes my heart so happy to know that i can be forgiven for some of th horrible things ive done. I dont regret any of it bc if it hadnt happened i wouldnt be who i am today. I have so much to be thankful for, and i hope Claudia knows just how big of an impact shes had on my life, what a difference its made. After she left i made a promise to myself, a promise that i would never let my sickness get th beter of me again, that i wouldnt hide away anymore, that id be honest to not only my friends and family but to myself. Its taught me a lot and ive never been prouder to say ive kept my word. I cant even describe what this means to me...

Other things im unsure on are living with Kaylee, where i stand with a few close ppl in my life atm, and what th future holds for me. But those are for another time ;)
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juwana mann