?

Log in

About this Journal
J·mann
noun \j-mann\
1: Queercore Whore
2: a · Ladyboy Artist
b · Example; "Im not an artist/Im a fucking work of art."-MM
Current Month
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031
Oct. 8th, 2011 @ 06:42 am Crash&BurningThoughts
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Crossfade
So.i.need.to.vent.and.get.this.all.out...maybe.then.ill.make.sense.of.it.all.and.know.what.to.do...

When.im.here.in.Utah.there.are.very.few.surprises...I.know.most.people.here.and.i.know.exactly.what.to.expect.with.almost.everyone...And.honestly...i.like.that...I.like.knowing.whats.coming...So.whenever.anyone.comes.onto.me.or.tries.to.play.games.i.see.right.through,and.my.uncanny.ability.to.get.into.peoples.heads.kicks.in.so.theres.nowhere.they.can.run,hide,or.lie.about...If.i.wanted.i.could.play.them.all.and.get.away.with.it...

So.when.she.starts.putting.so.much.time,effort,and.money.into.me,ive.already.got.th.plans.in.her.mind.all.drawn.up.and.laid.out.in.front.of.me....And.when.another.suddenly.changes.overnight.(exactly.like.my.friend.warned.me.about.4.days.ago.ironically.enough).i.know.better.than.to.hope.or.trust.

Its.actually.kinda.funny,how.i.see.things.like.nobody.else...The.one.person.who.even.comes.close.is.the.same.one.that.desperately.needs.me.in.her.life.right.now.because.she.knows.that.shes.still.a.padowan.to.my.jedi.XP
.
Its.also.funny.how.so.many.underestimate.me...Makes.it.all.10X.easier.for.me.and.lets.me.do.damn.near.anything.i.fuckin.want.to....Thats.how.Filly.is.to.me.now....A.few.years.ago.i.would.have.considered.this.to.be.paradise...

But.now.....it.seems.hollow.and.empty.....

Now.whenever.i.drift.away.i.find.that.im.always.drifting.into.thoughts.and.memories.that.seem.like.a.lifetime.ago.instead.of.a.few.months.....Ive.got.a.lot.of.th.things.ive.wished.for.in.years.past.....but.id.give.it.all.up.for.one.thing.....th.one.thing.ill.prolly.never.have.again.....

I.want.the.real.deal.

I.want.to.be.happy.again...to.actually.FEEL.and.be.alive...knowing.that.all.i.really.need.is.to.be.near.....The.trust...the.belief...

I.dont.want.youu.back.
Because.youu.broke.that.beyond.repair.and.im.never.coming.back.to.fix.it.
No.....i.just.want.those.few.special.things.we.shared.....but.this.time.with.someone.worth.it.
Someone.who.will.look.at.me.like.youu.did.in.the.beginning.and.be.as.happy.as.youu.were...
Who.would.believe.in.me.as.much.as.i.believed.in.youu...
I.want.it.all.....th.waking.up.beside.them.every.day.juss.to.see.that.smile.on.their.face...the.long.days.we'd.spend.alone.without.anyone.else.around.that.could.always.manage.to.make.me.feel.better...the.way.we.understood.each.other.without.a.single.word...how.youu.were.there.for.me.when.i.needed.youu...the.trust.we.shared...just...everything...
We.werent.perfect,and.neither.was.anything.else.in.our.lives,including.whatever.it.was.that.was.between.us...
But.that.was.th.best.part...it.didnt.have.to.be...
It.was.love.....I.know.it....Ive.never.had.that.with.anyone,not.even.my.first.love.who.is.STILL.pulling.at.my.heartstrings.9.years.later!
I.want...almost.need...that.now...Fucking.cute.girls,partying.outrageously.like.the.old.days,screwing.with.peoples.minds...ALL.of.it.becomes.practically.worthless.to.me.when.compared.to.that...id.give.it.all.up.for.just.one.shot.at.something.real...

But.it.seems.no.matter.what.i.do.or.where.i.go,i.just.cant.find.anything.even.close....

Ive.got.a.list.of.girls.at.my.call.and.a.handful.of.guys.i.could.chase...but.none.of.them.even.care.at.th.end.of.th.day.....its.only.what.theyd.get.out.of.it.that.matters...Cant.say.i.blame.them,ive.been.like.that.all.my.life....But.now....now.i.just.want.anything.real,just.for.once...

*Sigh*....
But.i.guess.nobody.else.thinks.like.we.do.....nobody.else.will.fight.for.it.like.us.=/
I.still.remember.how.youu.first.won.me.over.lol.....Donnie.Darko.playing.while.we.slept.on.the.floor.of.that.sad.apartment.room,youur.head.in.my.lap.as.th.movie.tripped.youu.out...everything.came.so.naturally,its.like.we'd.known.each.other.for.years.instead.of.a.day.and.a.half...youu.just...KNEW...exactly.how.to.talk.with.me,on.my.level.....never.shy,never.hesitating.....no.games,lies,or.tricks...just.youu.and.me.being.happy.in.spite.of.it.all...i.never.wanted.to.leave,and.id.have.let.youu.do.anything...(thank.god.that.while.youu.WERE.th.aggressive.type,youu.were.also.a.gentleman.XP)...but.i.knew.i.could.trust.youu...knew.youud.be.straight.up.with.me.no.matter.how.crazy.or.embarrassing.....it.wasnt.until.later.when.our.connection.broke.that.youu.started.acting.differently.and.began.lying,but.i.know.before.then.if.youu.wanted.me,youud.say.so,if.youu.cared.or.wanted/needed.something.from.me.youu.wouldnt.fuckin.try.to.play.around.or.be.an.insecure.little.bitch.about.it...youu.believed.in.me...i.miss.that.so.much...

Why....cant.anyone.else....do.those.few.simple.things?...I.try.to.follow.it.myself,but.it.usually.scares.people.or.makes.them.misunderstand.me.and.who.i.am....just.for.once.i.wish.i.could.have.the.same.honesty.with.anyone.in.my.life...im.sick.of.being.th.only.one.who.actually.says.whats.on.my.mind...

Hell.its.already.fucked.a.few.of.my.friendships.right.now...Alys.so.upset.with.me.because.i.was.straight.up.with.her,as.in.No,thank.youu,but.i.dont.want.to.be.youur.midnight.fix.....Kaylees.not.exactly.happy.that.im.not.playing.along.with.her.....Jake.refuses.to.talk.to.me.after.i.cancelled.our."Par-T".due.to.me.not.wanting.to.do.hard.shit.again.....Bree.an.i.talk.but.i.know.if.i.was.to.be.blunt.and.honest.wed.prolly.start.another.bloodbath.....and.Shawns.just.not.happy.nowadays.period.no.matter.what.i.do.or.what.chances.i.throw.at.him.

Maybe.its.a.lot.to.ask...but.it.doesnt.change.the.facts...
I.just.want.the.truth...th.real.deal...doesnt.anyone.else.think.its.worth.it?
About this Entry
juwana mann